Becoming American

Last week, Mummy became an American.  She had to learn lots of stuff about this land and pass a test to get a piece of paper to say she belongs here.  Tobermory and I are Americans and I guess they must be much tougher on humans, because the only test we ever took involved us sitting, lying down and coming to humans when they asked us to.  We got extra points for shaking paws with them, quite a peculiar human custom.  You can learn so much more about someone from sniffing their butt.

I heard Daddy testing Mummy and some of the questions he asked involved knowing the names of famous humans and what they did to have them remembered in the history books of this land.  One thing confuses me.  I didn’t hear any mention of dogs that should be remembered so I would like to suggest a few historical dog facts that should be included.

About 250 human years ago, there was a big fight between the humans in the top and bottom of this land.  A very successful human fighter for the top of the land called General Custer was well known for his canine officers who advised him on fight tactics.  These dogs obviously had a major role in our democracy.

Of course, we must not forget the role of dogs around 100 human years ago who served during World War 1.   They helped to preserve freedom for lots of lands, not just ours.  One memorable canine soldier is Stubby.  He served in the 102^nd Infantry, 26^th Division.  His secret weapon was his particularly powerful nose which he used to warn the humans when there was bad stuff in the air.  His most famous act was to use his nose to find a bad human who was watching the ones he protected, for which he was awarded the honor of being the only dog in history to be promoted to the rank of Sergeant through combat.

More recently, a little under 2 human years ago, I wrote about a dog who helped a group of seals catch the leader of a very dangerous pack of humans who hung out in a land with lots of sand.  I’m still confused as to why humans trusted such an important task to a bunch of water dwellers.  Their aqua skills cannot be disputed, but when it comes to dry land, it's obvious a whole pack of dogs would have done a quicker job.

Talisker

Holidays ...?

In this land, humans call the few weeks at the end of each year “the holidays”.  I have to admit to being a little confused as to how these weeks earn this name as they are anything but a holiday.  Our humans put a big tree in the house covered with lots of sparkly toys which adds extra duties to my usual security detail as Tobermory thinks the toys are there for his benefit and it’s my job to stop him eating them.

It all starts when Mummy puts red and white fluffy collars with little bells on us before going for our neighborhood sniff after the sun has gone to bed.  We stand in a field in the middle of our town with lots of other similarly humiliatingly clad dogs and their humans until a big tree suddenly lights up with lots of brightly colored stars.  I don’t really understand what the fuss is about, but humans amuse easily and get very excited about it, especially the small ones.

 

And then there’s the annual photo shoot.  Mummy seems to think it’s necessary to send a picture of us sitting with an old dude who doesn’t seem to think there’s a problem with wearing a red body cover with white fluffy trim.  This year she excelled herself by making us wear antlers too.  We tried to shake them off but the human with the picture box was too quick.  The only comfort I can find in having to suffer this indignity is that to get these pictures, Mummy has to give some of the green stuff that buys dog biscuits to help dogs less fortunate than us.

 

Of course, our security duty gets dramatically increased during this time which leaves little time for writing.  All the kennels in our neighborhood have extra motorized dog carriers outside, necessitating increased vigilance when it comes to threat assessment.  On top of this, there is one day when lots of humans come and go from our kennel all afternoon.  We sit at the entrance and try to count them in and out, but even with 16 toes, 2 ears and a tail each, it can be really easy to lose track.  The only upside is that the humans leave lots of toys and treats under the tree that we get to play with the next morning.

 

At last the tree has hibernated in the garage until the next holiday season and all the toys have crawled back into their boxes under the stairs.  Finally we get a chance to relax and return life to normal.

Talisker

Bad Tricks

Yesterday was a bad day.  I was tricked, and not just once.

First up was Mummy.  She put our walking harnesses on and let us climb into her motorized dog carrier.  We hadn’t been out yet so of course came to the natural assumption that we were going somewhere fun for a really good sniff.  She then stopped outside the kennel where we meet our doctor and took us inside and tried to get me to stand on the evil black mat with flashing numbers on it.  I don’t like that mat.  Last time we had to stand on it, Mummy cut our breakfast in half so I refused to get on it.  One of the female humans at the kennel put a particularly tasty looking snack on the mat.  Well, of course I had to go and investigate and stupidly forgot about the evil mat.  Tricked again.

The next bit was pretty good.  Our doctor gave me a big hug, tickled my tummy and gave my legs a good squeeze.  I hardly even noticed when there was a little prick in my neck.  He said that was to stop me getting sick.  Then Talisker ruined it all.  He told our doctor that I smell bad.  I was then taken to another room where pieces of me were squeezed that no self-respecting dog should have squeezed.  Talisker’s was definitely the worst trick of them all.

Tobermory

Bugs

Mummy’s been particularly lazy for the last couple of days.  She’s spending longer than usual under the bird fur in the morning and then gets back under it as soon as she’s finished her dinner.  She says she has a bug inside her.  I don’t understand why that should make her lethargic.  Tobermory eats bugs all the time so must have lots inside him and I haven’t noticed any decrease in his energy level.  I think Mummy is really making excuses for consuming too much of the big bird that we thanked for letting us eat it last Thursday.  We all felt sleepy after that.

Talisker

The Forever Collar

Today I got my “forever” collar.  It’s really cool.  It’s made of cow skin and looks just like Talisker’s.  He says it’s a privilege to be given this special collar.  It means our humans have decided it’s time for me to be a trusted member of the family.  He did, however, give me a list of things that this trust entails:

1.       No more grabbing Mummy’s socks out of her running shoes and making her chase me around the house for them.

2.       No more digging holes in the green stuff that covers the garden.

3.       No more eating base boards or windowsills.

4.       No more shouting in the morning when I’m bored and want the humans to get out of their bird fur and come and play with me.

5.       No more eating bits of the motorized dog carriers.

6.       No more eating Mummy’s plants.

In my defense I would like to address each of these:

1.       Sock chasing is a game and Mummy obviously enjoys it.  You can tell this by the squeals she makes while she’s chasing me.

2.       There are evil things under the green stuff in the garden and I am merely attempting catch and destroy tactics to protect our humans from them.  I have to admit that I have not had much success, but I know they’re down there.

3.       If the humans gave me more elk horns, I wouldn’t need to eat the kennel.

4.       Oh come on … they sleep way too long.

5.       Please see answer 3.

6.       They taste good, so what’s your point.

I think I’ve defended myself adequately.  Do I get to keep the cow skin collar?

Tobermory

Cold Trees

it’s getting cold outside our kennel and the sun has started going to bed early.    Our coats are getting thicker to keep us warm, but humans aren’t very furry so they have to wear body covers made of sheep fur.

 

There is one thing that concerns me.  The fur on some of the trees in our garden is turning from green to brown and they have started shedding.  I asked Talisker if they would be growing thicker coats like us to keep them warm.  He told me they have gone to sleep until the sun has decided to stay up later again and don’t need fur when they’re asleep.  This doesn’t make sense to me as I need my fur to keep me warm when I sleep.  I’m worried that the trees are going to get cold.

Tobermory

The Art of Begging

Every year, there is one day when our humans like to humiliate us by dressing us up in silly outfits and making us walk around town with other dogs who are also being subjected to the same indignity.  This year was no exception and I did of course, inform Mummy precisely what I thought of putting us through this torture.  Tobermory didn’t seem to be too disturbed by it, but he wasn’t made to wear wings and a halo.  He was at least kind enough to help me remove the halo and eat it when our humans weren’t watching.

 A couple of days later, human puppies dress up in disguises and when the sun has gone to bed, they visit other kennels in their neighborhood and beg for treats.  It always amazes me how successful they are when I observe their lack of begging skill.

The art of a good beg is to get humans to give you food without apparently asking for it.  Human puppies seem to have success by using intimidation tactics.  They travel in packs and threaten to do bad things to the adult humans if they don’t get treats.  I feel there are some double standards in operation here.  If Tobermory and I used a tactic like that, not only would we get no treats, but we would very quickly find ourselves shut in the kitchen on a time out.

Talisker