Bowmore for President

Today is the Birthday of the land we live in and to celebrate, humans gather together to drink falling over juice and put dead cow on the outside fire box.  Our humans went with us to the kennel of Talisker’s friend, Wally. His humans are really good at cooking dead cow on fire boxes.

Now, as a natural born American (and I have the pedigree certificate to prove it), I have recently learnt that I am eligible to be President of this land.  I am told that I have to be 35 years of age but I can’t find a rule that stipulates as to whether this measure is in dog or human years. I am now 87 in dog years so I consider myself well within the qualifying criteria.  Humans just fight over this job, so I think it’s time the Dog party took over and I have decided that with my many years of experience of caring for humans and diverting possible threats from our kennel, I am the ideal candidate to lead the charge.

There are a couple of issues which I feel very strongly about which I intend to use as my main platform.  Firstly, we need to deal with what in my opinion is an excessive taxation on dog biscuits and secondly, every town should be required to have a place where we can exercise our humans off leash.

Bowmore

Howling Humans

Now that water has stopped falling out of the sky and we have our Summer coats, every Wednesday evening we take our humans to a big garden in the middle of our town to listen to other humans howl while they drink falling over juice with their friends.  We've tried howling along but they just tell us to be quiet which is very unfair as the howling humans obviously needed a little help.

This is also an opportunity for dogs to train their humans to walk properly on a leash in public places.  Our friend, Max gets the award for the most innovative human training. He’s not very tall so has trained his human to push him around in a non-motorized dog carrier so that he can get a better view.

Bowmore

Take Your Human to Work Day

Yesterday was “take your dog to work day”. I find this a little confusing as Talisker and I work really hard with our humans EVERY day holding down the rugs under their desks and barking at suspicious passers by.  All they seem to do is talk to their talking boxes, play with their writing boxes and dress up to take them for a ride in the motorized dog carriers.  I think we need a “take your human to work day”.  I would be really interested to see if they have the patience to hold down a rug for several hours and the intuition to work out what looks like a threat to the perimeter of our kennel.

Bowmore

Burgundy and Antipasto

Sometimes Mummy and Daddy invite other humans over to test falling over juice.  This weekend they tested a special kind called Burgundy that comes from a place where the humans are known for wearing hats that look like squashed grapes.  They visited there two human years ago and brought lots of it back with them and needed to find out if it still worked.

It’s very important to give humans food as an antidote against falling over juice so Mummy made something called antipasto.  This is food for humans who don’t like spaghetti.  I of course supervised to make sure the correct quantities were administered.

Bowmore

Talisker's Research Project

Talisker has always been curious and likes to find out what things are made of, although there have been times when I have wished he could curb his investigative tendencies.  As a pup he practiced on eight of my beds and my entire prized collection of stuffed ducks.

Recently he took on a new research project.  At the kennel where Mummy gets our food she found a furry object that squeaked in lots of places with a label that read “chew proof”.  Talisker felt we needed to know the meaning of this phrase and like any good researcher, launched into the task with determination.  He extracted one squeak and the white fluffy stuff in the motorized dog carrier on the way home and then took it out to our garden for further dissection.  He has removed all the other squeaks and made a thorough inspection of all the parts but I am sad to say that he has not yet been able to work out the meaning of “chew proof”.

Bowmore

Boiled Humans

Every morning Mummy puts an egg in a pot full of water on the part of the kitchen countertop that gets hot and the water bubbles for a while.  This is how you make a boiled egg. You know when it’s done when the cabinet that gets hot starts to squeak.

In our garden there is a large pot full of water that bubbles.  This pot is for making boiled humans. They usually hold a glass of falling over juice and it is my observation that they appear to be done when the glass is empty.

Talisker

Diversity

We live in a place where there is a good diversity of breeds, both in humans and dogs.  All breeds have a characteristic they are known for.  I have already told you that Daddy’s breed are known for the male humans wearing skirts and squeezing bags of cats.  Some of Mummy’s relatives are a breed that used to wear little round hats with horns and our friend Bailey’s Mummy is a breed known for their love of potatoes and dressing in green.

Talisker and I are from a breed of Canadian fish retrievers.  There are lots of our relatives around here but I am pleased to say that although he has a lot of fish retrieving friends, Talisker has chosen to diversify his pool of playmates.  On Monday he invited Wally and Truman over.  Wally is a Hungarian bird scarer, although the humans in that land are known for eating stew made out of cows so his ancestors can’t have had much work.

Truman’s mother is a fish retriever and she’s a little cagey about his father, but rumor has it that he’s an African lion chaser.  However, I have decided that he obviously takes after his mother as he’s not very good at getting the upper paw over a fish retriever and a bird scarer.

Bowmore