Bad Judgement

I can’t believe what the new kid will do for attention.

I caught him doing a really good destruction job on a new toy Mummy bought for him.   He was swallowing it in big chunks.  I warned him of the consequences.

It has never happened to me or any of my predecessors in this kennel, but Rusty, a good friend who is chief of security at our humans’ favorite local falling over juice kennel, TestarossaWinery, had it happen to him when he was a pup.  That thing got stuck and then the doctor put a big zipper in his tummy to get it out, which is not a pleasant experience.

Arran ignored me.  An emergency zipper had to be installed too!  I thought that would be a good lesson, but no.  He got rewarded by lying on his back several times a day for 2 weeks with Mummy holding a warm cushion on his tummy.  Where is the lesson learned in that?

Tobermory

Good Grooming

Our groomer, TLC Mobile Pet Grooming came to give us our winter bath last week.  I always look forward to this.  Not only does he wash all the itchy stuff out of our fur, but we get an ear clean and pedicure too, all in about 45 minutes.  I look particularly handsome after; the red in my coat looks darker and my fur is fluffy and soft.

Mummy went to her groomer today.  When she returned, I had to question the efficiency of human groomers.  She was there all afternoon and her fur is paler and less fluffy than when she left.  Not only that, but we only need to see our groomer twice a year.  She goes multiple times a year and then must go to a different groomer to trim her claws.  I think the human grooming profession could learn a few lessons from the canine branch of their business.

Tobermory

The Dogstitution

I hear that humans in this land have a list of rules that they live by called The Constitution.  I asked Tobermory if something similar exists for canines.  After some considerable whining at him, he gave me what he calls The Dogstitution.

1.   If you hear any sign of the humans moving in their bird fir next door in the morning bark REALLY loudly to make sure they haven’t forgotten it’s breakfast time.

2.   If you hear the neighbor dogs sniffing and whining at the other side of the fence, bark.

3.     If humans walk by on the sidewalk outside the kennel, bark.

4.  If you see any creature with 4 legs in the moving picture frame on the wall, bark, especially if it’s the Geico Gecko – hate that guy.

5.   If your humans look like they are going near the harnesses and leashes, bark.

6.  If you see canine security details taking their humans for a sniff when you are in the motorized dog carrier, bark.

7.    If you recognize where you are going in the motorized dog carrier, bark REALLY loudly so everyone knows you’re arriving. 

I’m not so big on drawing attention to myself but I can see why as Head of Security, Tobermory considers these are all good points.  However, I do feel that some important considerations were overlooked, so I have proposed a few amendments.

8.      If it’s on the floor, it’s mine.

9.      If Tobermory thinks a toy is his, it’s mine.

10. If it’s on a table and I can stand on the edge to reach it when the humans aren’t watching, it’s mine.

11.  All human body covers left in my reach that are not containing a human are mine.

12. All pieces of fluffy cloth that a nice human who comes to clean our kennel uses are mine.

And of course, the most important one,

12.  All cuddles are mine.

Arran

Who says The Economist is boring?

When Daddy gets under his bird fur at night, he takes a thin book with him called The Economist.  Tobermory says humans like to look at boring things to send them to sleep so I concluded that the thin book must be REALLY boring.  Daddy has lots of them so when I spotted one while I was having our early morning scrumble with our humans in the bird fur I didn’t think he’d miss it if I took it to test it for boredom.  It failed.  Tobermory did warn me that Mummy wouldn’t approve, but the 5 minutes of shredding and ripping that I managed to get in before she caught me was definitely worth it.

Arran

Goodbye 2020

Tobermory:  So kid.  I need you to listen carefully and take note.  You weren't around for much of last year so don't understand all the bad stuff that's been going on.  I know you think that is a comfy place to sleep, but that is the security command post.  2021 will require you to use it for it's correct purpose ... to observe all the entrances to the kennel to deal with heightened risks.

Arran:  Look ... I can close one eye ... aarrrgh, talk like a pirate! ... and still see at least 2 entrances to the kennel.

Tobermory:  Oh, you are such a child.  What did I do to deserve this.

Tobermory:  That's right.  Just go back to sleep and leave me to protect the humans in 2021 on my own.

 

Black Dog Shredding

I heard Mummy say that pieces of paper with numbers on should be shredded by the noisy machine under her writing box table.  Tobermory told me that it refuses to shred a lot of pieces of paper at the same time so if she has big piles to shred, she puts them in a box and takes it to a place called Red Dog Shred.

I was taking a sniff around the top of Daddy’s writing box table this morning while Mummy was washing her teeth and found a big pile of little bits of paper with numbers on.  I like shredding paper so I thought I’d help out; why should the red dog have all the fun when there’s a black dog in the kennel who would enjoy taking on the task?  How was I to know that some piles of paper must be kept for 7 years before the red dog gets to shred them?

Arran

Is there a falling over juice shortage?

Every weekend, Mummy and Daddy take us to a place called Testarossa Winery where they drink falling over juice and eat tree seeds and solid cow juice.  We sit on comfy seats by a box with fire and hang out with Tobermory’s girlfriend, Lady.  Her Mummy gives us chicken treats.

I really like meeting humans and I’ve made good friends with the ones that administer falling over juice.  However, I am a little confused why they all wear muzzles because they seem particularly friendly.  They cuddle me and give me treats too.  However, this weekend they behaved very strangely.

They gave Tobermory and me extra big hugs and ear scritches and told us it was the last time they would see us before I’m big.  I’m concerned they may have run out of falling over juice.  Daddy has a room full of it.  I think he should give some to them so that I don’t have to wait for my hugs and treats until they get more.

Arran