Being Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving.  I always thought it had something to do with a really big chicken.  I like chicken so being able to eat a really big one is definitely something to be thankful for.  Talisker says he used to think the same but has now learnt that it is a day when you have to think of things that you're thankful for, other than chicken.  So, here are a couple of things I’m thankful for.

I’m thankful for my big brother, Talisker.  He’s taught me everything I know about taking care of humans and how to protect a kennel properly.  I know I get a little over enthusiastic sometimes, but he’s very patient with me.

A few weeks ago, Daddy started howling every time we touched him.  Mummy said a piece of his back had fallen out because he spent many human years jumping off the sides of big hills covered in white slippy stuff.  Earlier this week, she took him away very early in the morning in the motorized dog carrier.  When she brought Daddy back, he was very sleepy but didn’t howl when we wagged our tails against him.  She said he’d been mended.  He says he’ll be able to take us for long walks again soon, but now we are just happy we can cuddle him again when he’s under his bird fir.  So, I have to say that the thing I am most thankful for today is that Daddy has been mended.

Tobermory

Why does Talisker get to do all the fun stuff?

I’m feeling left out.  Today Mummy took us for a ride in her motorized dog carrier to a kennel near us that I don’t know.  There were lots of other dogs going in and out of it with their humans.  There was a long table inside with four humans sitting behind it playing with writing boxes and talking boxes.  One of them told us to sit.  Two female humans wearing blue pajamas came out of a door and asked us to follow them to a room with lots of cushions and a platform that looked like the one in our kennel that Mummy runs on without going anywhere.

This is where I started to be ignored.  The humans in the pajamas invited Talisker to lie down on a big dog bed and then rubbed his leg while they gave him chicken.  They then played games with him while I stood on cushions and gave him even more treats.  They did at least give me a couple.

If that wasn’t bad enough, Talisker then got into a glass tank that filled with water and got to play in it while I had to watch.  Everyone knows that I love to play in water.  Having a sore leg is no reason to get to do all the fun stuff.

Tobermory

Causing Stress

The evil black bags took Daddy away last week on a flying metal tube.  Sometimes he goes away for just one night but he was away for a whole week and left us to take care of Mummy all on our own.  Talisker didn't seem to take this seriously.  He said Daddy used to go away a lot when he was young.  He has to do it to earn the green stuff that buys dog biscuits.  He told me to relax because Mummy would be just fine, but I don’t like it.  It’s very important to keep the pack together.  If I’m going to become head of security one day, the humans have to understand this.  I made sure that I barked at everything that walked past our kennel and slept on top of Mummy so she understood my level of commitment to the job.  It really isn't nice to put me through this kind of stress.

Tobermory

Size Matters

Everyone knows that I am partial to a good game of fetch and I don’t have a lot of regard for the human ability to play the game.  However, there are a group of human Giants from San Francisco who seem to have really got the game nailed, although they call it baseball.  I don’t understand the reason for giving it a fancyname.  After all, fetching a ball is fetching a ball.

2 years ago they won against a bunch of Cardinals which really was not too surprising.  After all, birds really are no match for Giants.  This year they played against Royals from Kansas.  I don’t know much about Royals from there, but I know that the Royals in the United Kingdom where our humans come from are renowned for their sports ability.  I assume that all Royals are related so the Kansas ones are probably equally talented.  The Giants had their work cut out for them.  It took them over a week, but right at the end they came out as the victors tonight.  Hey, they’re Giants.  Obviously size does matter.

Talisker

Olive, the Dancing Queen

Our friend, Truman has a new little sister called Olive.  Tobermory and I have been trying to work out what her role in their kennel is.  She isn’t very big so obviously won’t be helping with security.  However, she seems to excel in her ability to entertain humans, with dancing being her specialty for which she has quite a talent.  Who would have thought you could persuade a floor cleaning snake to be a dancing partner.

Talisker

Ball-Napping

My favorite ball has gone missing.  Some time ago, Daddy hid it under a sofa cushion so I thought it was still there and needed to be rescued.   I had to throw all the cushions off and move all the pieces around just in case it had fallen between them.  The ball wasn’t there.

There are a lot of dogs in this neighborhood and I think it’s been ball-napped by one of them.  I checked the dog food closet and there are plenty of dog biscuits so I’m ready for the ransom demand.

Tobermory

Let Them Eat Cake

I’m now 3 human years.  Not many people know this, but 3 is a very important age for a fish retriever.  Mummy says it’s when we become mature and sensible.  Talisker told me that means I can’t jump on humans when they come into our kennel and I have to be less talkative.  Humans greet friends by looking each other in the eye and hugging so why can’t I do it too?  I pointed out that he does it, but he claims that he just balances on his hind legs and shakes hands which for some reason they seem to find cute.  I’m a heart on my fur kind of dog and believe in hugging the humans I love when they come to visit and what’s so wrong with enthusiastically vocalizing that love?

In the past, I’ve had lots of my friends over to celebrate my Birthday.  This time Mummy said we no longer have a large enough area of green stuff outside so only Truman, Olive and Sparky were allowed to come.  As ever, Mummy made me a cake.  She makes really good cakes.  They have the orange vegetables that rabbits like, bee juice and squashed peanuts in them, topped with cheese from small human kennels.  I’ve heard my humans say that many human generations ago a very prominent human is famous for saying “let them eat cake.”   If there’s cake to be had, I’m definitely eating it.

Tobermory

Shaky Ground

I’m sure all of you who follow our adventures have realized by now that our humans are particularly dedicated to their pursuit of good falling over juice.  When they find one, they tell all their friends and get together to buy a lot so that they don’t have to pay as much green stuff as humans who buy it one bottle at a time.

Recently, our humans had to collect a lot of falling over juice from one of our favorite falling over juice kennels in Sonoma, Nicholson Ranch.  There was too much to fit in Daddy’s motorized dog carrier so we borrowed their friend’s with no cover on the trunk.  When we retrieved it, he said to us “don’t go near Napa”.  I didn’t really understand this until we heard on the talking box on the way that there had been shaky ground that morning and the box was telling humans not to go there unless they had to.  Kennels had fallen over and lights and moving picture frames on the wall inside lots of kennels wouldn’t work.  Our humans are very serious about collecting falling over juice and shaky ground wasn’t going to frighten them away.

 

Supervising the collection of falling over juice is really hard work.  This time, all the humans who got frightened by their talking boxes weren’t out in their motorized dog carriers so we got home really quickly.  The talking on box completely failed to warn us about shaky ground interfering with nap time.

Talisker

Save the Water

Once in a while,  very kind friends of our humans who understand the importance of fish retrievers like us keeping up our swimming skills, invite us to play in their holes in the ground with water.

I have spent the last 2½ years trying to teach Tobermory to swim properly.  He did some research on the writing box and discovered something that small human puppies do which they call “doggy paddle.”  I have repeatedly explained to him that they don’t have webbed paws and a tail to use as a rudder.  This is why they look so ungainly when trying to emulate our swimming prowess and he really should not try to copy their technique.

Finally, I have persuaded him to use his natural tools.  Now Tobermory keeps his paws under the water instead of using them to splash in the mistaken belief that this provides forward motion.  He also uses his tail for steering which is what it was intended for, other than clearing those stupid little tables that humans like to put in front of sofas.

 

Now, if I could just make him understand that diving is also supposed to be elegant.   I’m all in favor of Tobermory doing his own research to find out new ways of doing things, but I wish he would take a little guidance from me.  He has now discovered the “bomb dive.”  Whilst I understand how much fun it is, we are in a drought and he needs to learn a streamlined dive to keep the water in its proper place.

Talisker

Peeing in the kennel has consequences

There used to be a big metal box in a cupboard that hummed loudly sometimes.  I’m not sure when it decided it was time to hum but somehow when it was cold outside, if it hummed, the inside of the kennel would get warmer and when it was hot outside, the kennel would get cooler.   A little while ago, when it came to the end of a hum, we could hear it peeing in the cupboard.

When we were puppies, Mummy got very scary if we peed inside so we learnt very quickly that life is much more comfortable if you go in the garden.  The metal box refused to listen so suffered the ultimate punishment.  Mummy sent it away, but it didn’t go easily.  It took three humans with big bags of metal extracting instruments several hours to remove it.  They didn’t seem to be enjoying the task much, which is not very surprising.  A metal box that pees in its cupboard obviously has no regard for personal hygiene.  I think they must also have suspected it might try to hide under the kennel, because the human in charge sent one of the others through a hole in the floor to catch it.

 

We now have a new metal box in the cupboard.  It has much better manners, doesn’t hum nearly as loudly and has obviously heard how scary Mummy can be as it hasn’t peed inside once since it came to live with us.

Tobermory

Respecting Space

One thing I have learnt from my extensive studies of human behavior is that they respect personal space very seriously.  My brother doesn't seem to understand this concept.  My sleeping box is MY sleeping box.

Talisker

Dependence Day

Friday was a day when humans in this land celebrate being independent.

According to the writing box, an independent human is supposed to be good at doing things on their own.   The logical assumption would therefore be that on Independence Day they would celebrate by taking part in solo activities.  I don’t think they understand this because they gather in packs, drinking falling over juice and eating plates of human kibble that they bring to share with the others.  If that’s what they’re supposed to be doing, shouldn’t the day really be called Dependence Day?

Talisker

Socializing Humans

When Tobermory and I were puppies we went to school so that our humans could learn how to hold our leashes properly.  The teacher told them how important it is to be social and for safety, take their security detail with them as much as possible when doing so.  Apparently some humans don’t understand this which must be particularly stressful for the dogs involved.  How can you perform your duties properly if the humans in your care are not in your line of site?

When it’s warm outside, Howling Human season starts.  This is an extremely good opportunity for human socializing.  Most weekends we take ours to gather with their friends in a field in our town and drink falling over juice accompanied by bread with hard cow juice on top.  A small group of humans stand on a big box in the middle of the field and howl while they pull strings on wooden boxes and bang big round pots with sticks.  I don’t really understand the attraction, but it seems to make them happy and we get to hang with our friends like Truman and perfect our begging technique.

Talisker

Truman's Spa

Truman invited us over this evening for a casual game of fetch and to view what he thinks is his new giant outdoor dog water bowl.  You have to understand that although Truman’s mother was a fish retriever like us, he really hasn’t inherited the water gene.  I pointed out to him that it is not a water bowl, but a dog spa.  He didn’t believe me so of course I had to demonstrate.  I admit it is a little tight and obviously has a one dog capacity, but it felt pretty good so I stand by my original observation … definitely a dog spa.

Talisker

How Not to Chase a Goose

Humans are good at lots of things, but there are a few that they really should just leave in the hands of dogs.  One of those is playing fetch and we just discovered that another is bird chasing.

There is a big field near our kennel where there are a lot of big birds called geese.  They are particularly messy which upsets the humans who go there to play when they aren’t out earning dog biscuits.  My dearly departed older brother, Bowmore and I tried once to help persuade them to leave by chasing them which would have been very effective had Mummy not growled at us and made us get back in the motorized dog carrier.

Last week our humans took us with them to see how they chase geese.  We climbed in one of a long line of boxes attached to each other that were pulled by a big black tube with a chimney at the front.  The line of boxes took us around the field in search of geese, and sure enough, there were still lots of them which isn’t very surprising.  A row of boxes pulled by a black tube really isn’t very scary.  Whilst I understand that for humans who are fundamentally lazy, this is a good way of searching for geese while they are sitting down, they will never persuade them to leave if they don’t ask the black tube to stop so they can jump out of their boxes and start chasing.

Talisker

Low Key Birthdays

It was my Birthday on Saturday.  I’m now 6 human years old.  That’s 42 dog years.  As all of you know, Tobermory and I have always had a party to celebrate our Birthdays.  Mummy makes a cake and our friends come over to share it with us and play a casual game of fetch while their humans occupy themselves, drinking falling over juice and consuming human kibble as its antidote.

I have to admit to being a little disappointed when Mummy said that I wouldn’t be having a party this year but understood the reason.  Our friends, Bailey and Sierra’s Mummy has her Daddy visiting from the land where humans wear green and carry little green plants with four leaves.  He turned 84 human years this weekend and they felt this should be celebrated.   That’s 588 dog years and it definitely cannot be disputed that 588 trumps 42.

Through my studies of human behavior, I have observed that as they get older they celebrate most of their Birthdays in a much lower key manner than they did when they were younger.  I didn’t want ours to feel bad about not holding a party for me, so told them I thought it was time that I followed this pattern of behavior.  We went for dinner at a local human feeding station called Aldo’s owned by a human who comes from a land shaped like a boot.  We always get to test bread there, but when Mummy told them it was my Birthday, they brought out a special dish of grilled chicken for Tobermory and me and all the humans that bring the food took it in turns to come over and give me a special Birthday tickle behind the ears.  Maybe this low key Birthday thing isn’t so bad.

Talisker

Bread Season

It’s now the beginning of bread season.  This doesn’t mean that we don’t get to test bread the rest of the year, but when it’s warm and bright outside we get to sit with our humans in the sun at their feeding stations.  You’d think that they’d remember that we need to test it first before they eat it, but no … it’s always the same at the beginning of every bread season.  They need to be reminded of their responsibilities.

Talisker

I Want a Mouse

Last week we went on an adventure.  Daddy strapped boards to the top of his motorized dog carrier and drove it up hills for a long time until we saw white fluffy stuff.  Of course, we had to stop half way to feed Mummy a bun with dead cow and cheese in the middle.  She gets really grumpy when she’s hungry.

 

 

There didn’t seem to be much white fluffy stuff when we got there but at least we got rewarded for our patience with a long run on a big field where humans hit little white balls with long sticks when it’s warm outside.  However, we didn’t get deprived of our white romping.  The next day lots of white fluffy stuff fell out of the sky … man, is that stuff fun!
 

We stayed with our humans in a little kennel with a mouse living in it.  Daddy says he’s called George.  I tried to introduce myself and interest him in a game of chase, but he was really shy and kept hiding under the sofa.  I even tried to stay up at night when he seemed to like roaming around to convince him to be my friend, but all that running in the mountain air is pretty tiring and I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

 

When our humans weren’t sliding down hills on boards, another human joined us in the motorized dog carrier, holding a pile of papers with pictures on.  We drove to lots of kennels and had to sit quietly while they went inside.  I’ve seen them do this when they go to falling over juice kennels in Sonoma, but they’re usually inside for much longer and mostly we get to join them.  Talisker said he wasn’t really sure, but he’d read on the writing box about something humans do when they’re looking for new kennels called “viewings” and he thought that was what ours were up to.  If that’s what they’re really doing, I think we should have a little input too.  I'm not demanding and have only one request.  I want one with a mouse like George, only less shy and more willing to play chase with me.

Tobermory

Giant Worms

Our humans just returned from a visit to the land they came from.  I always get worried when they’re out of our site.  Humans are just not good at taking care of themselves without canine help.  Since they leave their motorized dog carriers outside our kennel, I worry that they may not be able to transport themselves around and most important of all, get to the flying metal tube that brings them home to us.

 

I expressed this concern to Daddy on their return.  He assured me that this is not an issue as they travel under the ground in tunnels that take them straight to the flying metal tubes.  This seemed a little improbably to me, so I used my usual source for research on strange human behavior, Mummy’s writing box.

 

Do you know that Daddy is actually correct?  There are lots of giant worms in London where some of Mummy and Daddy’s litter mates live.  They call themselves “The Tube” and give rides to lots of humans in their worm tunnels.  I’m a little confused about how these worms survive.  Everyone knows that worms eat earth, but these worms are moving through tunnels they have already dug.  All that the humans feed them are little pieces of paper every time the worms give them a ride and I know paper has very little nutritional value.  Tobermory eats it all the time and still has room for his dinner.

Talisker

Cow Racing

We're in Sonoma. Talisker says we're here so that our humans can test different falling over juices to see if they work, but I know why we're really here ... we're looking for cows.  This is a particularly good place to find them and right now the whole place smells of them too.  Talisker says it's because at this time of year, the sticks that grow the little round things that falling over juice is made from eat cow poo.

 

In a place like Sonoma where there are so many cows, humans have obviously had to look at alternative uses for them other than the traditional ones.  We passed a place called Sonoma Raceway where they obviously hold cow races.  I know this because there's a model of a racing cow attached to the sign.

 

I like cows and I’ve always wanted a pet one, but I now think it would be really cool to have a racing cow.  Mummy doesn’t share my enthusiasm.  Daddy says she had lots of cows when she was a puppy so it’s particularly selfish of her not to let me have just one.

 

Of course, visiting the Three Dog Bakery for peanut butter cookies does help to relieve all kinds of disappointment.

 

Tobermory

Beetles

Last night we watched a very interesting story on the moving picture frame on the wall.  It was about 4 humans coming to this land 50 human years ago who thought they were beetles.  The only similarity I could see between them and beetles is that they had skinny black legs, but they only had 2 each.  Everyone knows that beetles have 6 legs, especially Tobermory who likes to chase them.  Real beetles are also pretty quiet, but these ones howled really loudly accompanied by lots of young female humans who howled even louder.

 

Two of these “Beetles” who are now really old stood on a platform to howl.  Our humans seemed to really enjoy watching them which I couldn’t understand until one started to jump around, howling that we all live in a yellow submarine.  I have to admit that watching this level of human disillusionment is pretty funny.



Talisker

Job Sharing

As you all know, a very important part of my job as Head of Security is to continually broaden my base of knowledge of human behavior.

I recently learnt about a new habit that some humans like to participate in called “job sharing”.  Two humans will do the same job that one could, one working hard but for half the day and another working hard for the other half of the day.  This is supposed to make their lives easier but I think they’ve got it all wrong.

Tobermory and I have been job sharing for some time.  We both hold the sofa down whilst each monitoring separate entrances to the kennel.  It would be possible for one of us to hold down the sofa and monitor both entrances at the same time and swap places in the middle of the day, but the working part of the day would be far more stressful and very lonely.

Talisker

Truman's Ball Room

We went to play fetch with our BFF (Best Fetching Friend), Truman this weekend.  His humans have removed all the insides from their cooking room and made it bigger.  His Daddy calls it “The Ball Room”.  Truman says they did it especially for him so that he can play fetch after the sun has gone to bed.

 

While we were playing, some humans were playing their own game of fetch on the moving picture on the wall.  49 of them came from our area.  They’re usually pretty good at the game, but didn’t win this time.  I think it’s because they don’t have a ball room like Truman so that they can continue to perfect their art when it's too dark to do it outside.

Talisker

Spare the Hair

It's important to follow the lessons learnt from your mentors, and Bowmore taught me the importance of spending time researching humans and their habitats to help us perform our security duties to the fullest extent.  In my studies, it has become apparent that most of their kennels have holes in the wall with fire.

 

In the kennel that Tobermory and I grew up in, our humans would press a button and the fire would start immediately.  The one in our new kennel seems to be far more demanding.  It refuses to do its job until they feed it bits of dead tree, and even then it takes its time to wake up and seems to demand constant feeding to continue to work.  In my opinion it’s pretty high maintenance, but I have to admit that it does an extremely good job of warming my fur.

 

Our humans appear to be quite happy dealing with this hole in the wall with fire’s demands, but I find its work ethic a little questionable.   We seem to have a lot of days, today being one of them, when our humans don’t even try to wake it up.  Mummy says it’s because it’s a “Spare the Hair” day.  I don’t know whose hair it thinks it saving, but my hair is being deprived by not being kept warm.

Talisker